The trick to a sustainable, satisfying life

From an early age, we're taught to set goals, break them into actionable steps, and chase them relentlessly. I’ve followed that formula. Again and again, I’ve reached my targets; feeling the rush of achievement, the euphoria of success. And then? Nothing. A void. I set another goal, rinse, and repeat. By my late 20s, I stared at the finish line of every ambition I’d set, yet feeling inexplicably hollow.

Goal-setting isn’t inherently bad. But the problem is that goals have an end point. When you reach them, they’re over. And then what?

I had believed that constant self-improvement would eventually lead to some grand, sustained satisfaction. Instead, I felt like I had plateaued, trapped in a cycle of striving without true fulfillment. If success felt so empty, was I just not dreaming big enough? (Read: Bookmarks, Dreams and Aspirations, 2023) But I knew dreams weren’t measured by size. Perhaps this was what satisfaction was supposed to feel like. But then why did it feel like a dead end?

For years, I wrestled with this. So, naturally, I went back to the only method I knew: setting new goals. But this time, the excitement was gone. The drive felt artificial.

Then, life forced change upon me: several shifts, new environments, unfamiliar challenges, bref, uncertainty. I saw an opportunity to rekindle my old motivation. And at first, it worked. Until it didn’t. It all felt irrelevant.

One day, I was talking to my friend V, who described how, as a student, he suddenly felt a surge of ambition. He threw himself into studying harder than ever, reaped incredible results, and felt an immense sense of accomplishment. But when he tried to repeat the process, the thrill just wasn’t the same.

I knew exactly what he meant. And it wasn’t until three pivotal experiences: therapy, journaling, and a course I’m involved in about innovation and uncertainty, that I finally understood what had been missing. (Read: Journaling Insights from June 2023)

Goals End. Life Doesn’t.

Goal-setting isn’t inherently bad. But the problem is that goals have an end point. When you reach them, they’re over. And then what? You set another. And another. This is the "arrival fallacy," a psychological phenomenon described by Harvard psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar: the illusion that achieving our goals will bring lasting happiness. Instead, we quickly adapt to our new reality, and the cycle begins again. (Ben-Shahar, Happier, 2007).

This adaptation is known as the "hedonic treadmill", the idea that no matter how much success, wealth, or personal growth we achieve, we eventually return to a baseline level of happiness (Brickman & Campbell, 1971). The rush of hitting a milestone fades, and we seek the next big thing, believing this time, it will be different. But it rarely is. We keep running, never truly arriving.

Life, however, doesn’t work like that. Life keeps going. So instead of focusing on finite goals, what if we focused on something that has no end? What if we built a lifestyle instead of a checklist?

Goals vs. Values

I stumbled upon this YouTube video essay that articulated what I had begun to realize: goals are destinations, but values are a way of being. Goals tell you where to go; values define how you travel. If you base your life around values, you are never "done." You are simply being; consistently aligning your actions with what truly matters to you.

Ask yourself: what are my values? What makes me feel alive?

In therapy, I did an exercise to identify my core values. I also took several personality tests to try to see which resonated with me. Once I had them: creativity, harmony, freedom, connection… I realized I was already engaging in activities that embodied those values. But because I had been so focused on ticking off goalposts, I had overlooked the ongoing fulfillment they brought me.

The most liberating part? When you align your actions with your values, failure doesn’t feel like failure anymore. If something doesn’t work out, instead of feeling defeated, I can simply say, this doesn’t align with my values. It’s not a personal shortcoming, it’s just a misalignment. This shift has given me a healthier approach to setbacks. I now see failure as an opportunity to learn, grow, and adjust rather than as a reason to be discouraged.

For instance, instead of chasing big creative milestones, I started journaling or doodling daily, tiny creative moments that felt effortless and honest. That regular habit, rooted in creativity, felt more nourishing than any finished project ever had. This online space is a testament to those tiny actions stemming from this value.

I also made space for connection. Once a week, I’d check in with someone I cared about. No agenda, just a real conversation. That one small ritual deepened my relationships more than any grand “networking” goal ever had.

Even decision-making felt lighter. I began asking myself, does this align with my values? before saying yes to anything. That shift, honoring my freedom and harmony, helped me stop overcommitting or chasing the wrong things out of guilt or pressure.

So, What Do You Want in Life?

If you’re feeling lost, stuck, or unsure of what you want next, here’s a thought: stop trying to define your life by goals. Instead, ask yourself: what are my values? What makes me feel alive?

Then identify and do the things that advocate for what you value in life. Once you do, it will always feel right. It will always feel worthwhile.

A friend of mine, M, once confided in me about struggling to figure out what she wanted. My response surprised even myself: "If you’re struggling to figure out what you want in life, perhaps you should ask yourself: What do I care about? What do I stand for?"

Just as life evolves, your values can transform too. If something starts to feel off, pivot and adjust. Life has its seasons, and your priorities will shift with time. Some values may remain constant, while others change.

Once you know your values, something remarkable happens: the pressure of constant goal-chasing fades. You no longer need to endlessly seek something outside yourself. You’re already living it. And that may just be the trick to a sustainable, satisfying life.